5 Things that really helps with healing / processing grief

Sep 06, 2023

Hi all, it’s been 3 months since my brother’s death and yes, I’m still grieving. Grief is such a complex emotion to process because it encompasses so many different feelings and thoughts all at once. It overwhelms our nervous system and reveals suppressed memories (oh great, more to process…). It changes your plans, your outlook, and your life. The worst of it all, it doesn’t have an end date. For my mother, the emotional stress of her grief even manifested as chronic physical pain.

I know it will hit less and less. We will heal in time, of that, I’m sure (from everyone else’s experience on grief, thanks for sharing!). For now, it’s still a work in progress. My emotions are less intense these days, though I still feel raw and sensitive, but I’m able to work more and feel more joy too. So other than my puffy eyes, I doing just fine.

oh yea, waterworks! I let it flow, baby!

I truly credit the improvement to the time and energy spent on prioritizing my grief and my mental health. It hasn’t been easy, but I did my best to let go of ambitions or expectations that didn’t serve me. I think if I had ignored or suppressed my emotions, they would just fester within my subconsciousness and manifest (or worse explode) in unexpected ways. I acknowledged my intense rage without guilt and accepted my deep sorrows without shame. (Current editing self: Damn, I wrote this? I need this quote on my wall to remind myself of it!)I learned to truly sit with my feelings – allowing them to wash over me and overwhelm me, trusting that it will pass and I’ll get back on my feet again. My grief may intensify again, hopefully not, but I feel more capable of handling another wave when that time comes.

For those of you who are also going through a difficult time (BIG HUGSSSSSS, WTF 2023?!), here are 5 ways that helped me in the past 3 months:

Journaling / morning pages - I do this every morning on my roof with my coffee now. Being able to word vomit all over the page without a filter lessens the weight of my thoughts and feelings. I feel like I can leave it all on paper, close the book, and move on with my day. Also, the tactile sensation of my fountain pen gliding across the page is very satisfying! There’s something about how the act of writing helps process thoughts, memories, or new ideas. I also tried writing exercises such as (never sent) letters to my inner child or my parents or my brother, and they were surprisingly effective! I cried more than expected. Reading back on some of these entries is an interesting surprise, it’s fascinating to see how my own brain works.
An old sketch about how creating art gives me the key to unlocking my heart. Writing or journaling now does the same.
Physical exercise - dancing, yoga, walking, hiking, hula hopping…whatever keeps me engaged, keeps me moving and brings me joy. It gets me feeling playful and strong, it grounds me and disperses the pent-up negative energy within. Also, it is scientifically proven physical exercise is a key part of improving your well-being, it’s more effective and long-lasting than anti-depression medication in most cases too. (Nothing against anti-depression meds! Some absolutely need it!)
Friends - sharing with compassionate friends and allowing them to comfort and validate me is so healing. Being in such a vulnerable and dark place, it’s easy to feel like a burden to your loved ones and it’s easy to self-isolate, but holding so much in can make you spiral and make you feel more alone than ever. I’m so lucky I have built such a great community of friends over the years. On top of that my bestie happens to be back in SF this summer! We spent many days and nights just talking and being there for each other.
Giving myself grace - just letting myself be less productive and less efficient was hard. I’m used to filling my week and scheduling my days, setting goals, and reaching them. I’ve been labeled as an over-achiever for most of my life, I was even proud of that for a long time. However, I know my career shouldn’t always take priority, especially now. I asked for more time on existing projects (and my clients were so understanding), closed my online shop, and took plenty of breaks. I did things that made me happy or helped me relax, I made time for meditation and exercise, and I let myself cry whenever I wanted… all of it helped. And I’m still managing to keep up with my deadlines. So I’m counting that as a win!
Therapy - I mean, that’s a given right? Therapy is almost always helpful. It’s just hard to find the right therapist and even harder to find a good one covered by insurance. Most therapists don’t accept insurance (since the insurance only pays them $60-$80 a session) and their rates range from around $170-$250 in the Bay Area. It’s a privilege to even get to work with a therapist when so many don’t even have access to basic health care, so I’ll keep my complaints to a minimum. I spent a lot of time and effort searching for one within my insurance network, specifically looking for an Asian female therapist and huzzah, I finally found one after hours online and on the phone. While it’s still early, I find our sessions to be quite cathartic.
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BONUS: CATS! My Ori and Fuzzball bring me PURE joy and love every day. Their innocent little faces, warm toasty smells, soft fluffy bodies, and sweet affectionate cuddles make this cruel chaotic world bearable! I don’t know what I would do without them!

And that’s it from me! I’m no expert, I have good days and bad days. I’m just sharing what’s on my mind and what has helped me. Any self-care advice that really helped you? Please do share!!

What else?

The Books for Maui auction was a fantastic success! We book creators, readers, and lovers raised $170k!!! My heart is full seeing how much we as a community can help!

My small contribution sold for $100 and I’m currently putting together the package for the winner (she is a Book Ambassador for her district too, how cool is that?! Packing extra goodies for our literacy heroes!)

And oh, I’ll be at the in-person conference Illustrator Day on 9/10/2023 this SUNDAY, and the last day to register is THURSDAY, TOMORROW! I’m offering portfolio critiques at the conference, it would normally be double the cost at Storyteller Academy so sign up while you still can!

Children’s Books I’ve enjoyed recently :

I AM AN AMERICAN by Darshana Khiani and Laura Freeman (PB)- What a powerful and empowering book! I feel especially proud to be an American after reading it.
DEEP & DARK BLUE by Niki Smith (GN) - A middle-grade graphic novel that combines fantasy and fighting for your place in the world.
HOOKED ON BOOKS by Margaret Chiu Greanias and Kristyna Litten (PB) -Whimsical and sweet story that encompasses all kinds of deep sea creatures and environments.